Around this time of year, as the temps turn cooler, the days begin to shorten, and leaves blanket the ground, is a natural signal of change for me. Of turning inward, getting quiet and getting cozy with myself. This past year, the air has been tense and filled with noise and static of hateful words and attitudes, and not only has it been heartbreaking but, exhausting too! And my own personal orbit has been filled with profound change, I just now want to be quiet and listen closely, to do some deep digging and loving action. I am working daily on getting out of a comfort zone that no longer feels good and is no longer me-which is: I need to stop worrying of others actions, behaviors and thoughts of me and to stop judging them. I need to bare my teeth less because it isn't strength at work, it's fear and it isn't brave to be so defensive so often...it's a huge turnoff and its causing alienation and not the close connections I crave. To be kinder not only to myself but, others because, well, see previous sentence. Also, because its just better to be kind, we need kindness right now. I want to shower my friends and family with all the love they deserve and have more time for them. I would rather find things out over a cup of coffee than Facebook, but, I'm here and they're...there. I've freed myself of any doubts of wether or not I'm an artist or that I should call myself that-I am! I'm working on new things and I'm finding joy in creating again because the process itself fascinates me! I've been looking at art so much lately and seeing it everywhere and it's the nudge I need to keep on working at it. Again, joy! You see, now that I'm listening, the questions are coming. What do I truly want? How do I truly see myself and how do I let it show? What do I want my life to feel like?What/who do I need to let go of in order to find the balance and freedom I desire? ( a hard thing for me as I tend to hold on to things and people far longer than is healthy.) And the answers/ beauty of this is that its my life and mine alone. I can create, I can destroy. I can shed skins that no longer fit and build something that gets the butterflies in my stomach going. Something that gets my blood pumping and my eyes glinting. The more I dig, the more I see and I see something of a life that I envisioned when I was 17. I knew then that I wanted a 'creative life,' without knowing what that meant or the work needed to have this kind of life. But, its shaping up to be the something I want and need. A life filled with warmth, a quieter pace, creation, gratitude, contemplation, art, cooking and sparked with moments of wonder. A life of one's own is always morphing and shifting and my own head is always sparkling with ideas that I've really had to work hard on trimming down and honing in on things that truly make me feel alive. And slowing down, giving up alcohol, seeking quietude has given me the chance to get to know myself and to face all of it head on. Sounds scary? Not really. I'd now rather face it, change and act. The alternative stale state is far more scary to me. Thank you, Autumn, for your slow, gentle arrival and for bringing me inside.
Thank you for reading!
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