December First Musings -Love and Change
The first day of a new month and it's snowing heavily outside as I write this. A few days ago, I turned 46, and I celebrated it with my loved ones, quietly, just as I wanted.
When I think back to this time last year, and where I was emotionally, mentally, it's vastly different from the contentment I'm feeling at this moment. Last year, and my second year sober, I was quite down. But, stubbornly, didn't say a word, as I justified that it was the holidays and everyone was 'too busy to care,' and I didn't want to 'bother' anyone with my gloom and loneliness. I could feel things shifting, changing in a way I couldn't grasp or prevent. I had done (and continue to do) a lot of shadow work last year, uncovering and facing much of my own crap, recognizing and breaking old patterns. Maybe that was it? As I look back I can see that was part of it. All that rooting around, and releasing things that weren't working or unhealthy, left me feeling....strange and perhaps a bit numb. But, there were other things at work too. Little did I know, but Love was working her way into my heart. It was around this time last year that I began to really reconnect (and flirt with) with the man I've been with for 11 months now. Letting him in was both natural and scary, and even now, I have to remind myself that I'm not wandering this earth alone.( The me last year felt very much alone) To have my heart cracked open again was probably one of the best things that has happened this past year. Why? Because it has expanded me in ways I do not have the right words for. After years of being a strong, independent single woman, I was now part of something where I couldn't be selfish anymore. Something and someone that I cannot hide from. And get this...I don't want to hide anymore. Now, I haven't given up my independent spirit or my strength, but it is very, very nice to have someone by my side, supporting me in ways that matter, and doing the same for them, even when I'm still learning how. The best part is, we are in this together, learning how to love each other and all that entails. Love.
About three months ago, I moved back home from Boston. I loved living there, always will but, it was becoming far too expensive. And add a relationship to that, it also became heavy on my heart to stay there. I must admit, I've only recently begun to feel settled but, it was the right decision. I like things to be certain, planned (to a point) and to go smoothly. But, life is not like that, now matter how much I think I can control. Realizing that part of the beauty of life, is that one needs to leave things open, one's heart needs to be open, and that trusting that things will be ok. The me last year could never have imagined that mindset. Being with the person I'm with, who is trustful, open, makes it easier. There is a lot more I could say about this but, even after nearly a year, feeling this way is still a new experience for me, and the right words aren't here. But, I am looking forward to life, change and love, cracking my heart open again and again in the most beautiful of ways.
Welcome December!
Listening to: Tchaikovsky, Yo Yo Ma, Nineties Grunge
Looking at: Joesph Cornell, Agnes Martin, collage art
Reading: Mary Oliver poems, "Ninth Street Women,' by Mary Gabriel
When I think back to this time last year, and where I was emotionally, mentally, it's vastly different from the contentment I'm feeling at this moment. Last year, and my second year sober, I was quite down. But, stubbornly, didn't say a word, as I justified that it was the holidays and everyone was 'too busy to care,' and I didn't want to 'bother' anyone with my gloom and loneliness. I could feel things shifting, changing in a way I couldn't grasp or prevent. I had done (and continue to do) a lot of shadow work last year, uncovering and facing much of my own crap, recognizing and breaking old patterns. Maybe that was it? As I look back I can see that was part of it. All that rooting around, and releasing things that weren't working or unhealthy, left me feeling....strange and perhaps a bit numb. But, there were other things at work too. Little did I know, but Love was working her way into my heart. It was around this time last year that I began to really reconnect (and flirt with) with the man I've been with for 11 months now. Letting him in was both natural and scary, and even now, I have to remind myself that I'm not wandering this earth alone.( The me last year felt very much alone) To have my heart cracked open again was probably one of the best things that has happened this past year. Why? Because it has expanded me in ways I do not have the right words for. After years of being a strong, independent single woman, I was now part of something where I couldn't be selfish anymore. Something and someone that I cannot hide from. And get this...I don't want to hide anymore. Now, I haven't given up my independent spirit or my strength, but it is very, very nice to have someone by my side, supporting me in ways that matter, and doing the same for them, even when I'm still learning how. The best part is, we are in this together, learning how to love each other and all that entails. Love.
About three months ago, I moved back home from Boston. I loved living there, always will but, it was becoming far too expensive. And add a relationship to that, it also became heavy on my heart to stay there. I must admit, I've only recently begun to feel settled but, it was the right decision. I like things to be certain, planned (to a point) and to go smoothly. But, life is not like that, now matter how much I think I can control. Realizing that part of the beauty of life, is that one needs to leave things open, one's heart needs to be open, and that trusting that things will be ok. The me last year could never have imagined that mindset. Being with the person I'm with, who is trustful, open, makes it easier. There is a lot more I could say about this but, even after nearly a year, feeling this way is still a new experience for me, and the right words aren't here. But, I am looking forward to life, change and love, cracking my heart open again and again in the most beautiful of ways.
Welcome December!
Listening to: Tchaikovsky, Yo Yo Ma, Nineties Grunge
Looking at: Joesph Cornell, Agnes Martin, collage art
Reading: Mary Oliver poems, "Ninth Street Women,' by Mary Gabriel
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